Preparing for your
Free Session of "The Work"
An excerpt from Loving What Is, Four questions
that can change your life
Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell
"Byron Katie's Work is a great blessing for our planet.
The root cause of suffering is identification with our thoughts, the 'stories'
that are continuously running through our minds. The Work acts like a
razor-sharp sword that cuts through that illusion and enables you to know for
yourself the timeless essence of your being. In Loving What Is, you have
the key. Now use it."
Eckhart
Tolle, author
of The Power of Now
What Is Is
The only time we suffer
is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is
perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different
than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try,
and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, "Meow." Wanting
reality to be different than it is is hopeless.
And yet, if you pay
attention, you'll notice that you think thoughts like this dozens of times a
day. "People should be kinder." "Children should be
well-behaved." "My husband (or wife) should agree with me."
"I should be thinner (or prettier or more successful)." These thoughts
are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that this
sounds depressing, you're right. All the stress that we feel is caused by
arguing with what is.
People new to The Work
often say to me, "But it would be disempowering to stop my argument with
reality. If I simply accept reality, I'll become passive. I may even lose the
desire to act." I answer them with a question: "Can you really know
that that's true?" Which is more empowering? -- "I wish I hadn't lost
my job" or "I lost my job; what can I do now?"
The Work reveals that
what you think shouldn't have happened should have happened. It should have
happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This
doesn't mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can
see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle.
No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident;
but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them?
We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don't know how to stop.
I am a lover of what is,
not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with
reality. We can know that reality is good just as it is, because when we argue
with it, we experience tension and frustration. We don't feel natural or
balanced. When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and
fearless.
Staying in Your Own Business
I can find only three
kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's. (For me, the word God
means "reality". Reality is God, because it rules. Anything that's out
of my control, your control, and everyone else's control, I call that God's
business.)
Much of our stress comes
from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, "You need to
get a job, I want you to be happy, you should be on time, you need to take
better care of yourself," I am in your business. When I'm worried about
earthquakes, floods, war, or when I will die, I am in God's business. If I am
mentally in your business or in God's business, the effect is separation. I
noticed this early in 1986. When I mentally went into my mother's business, for
example, with a thought like "My mother should understand me," I
immediately experienced a feeling of loneliness. And I realized that every time
in my life that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else's
business.
If you are living your
life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We're both
over Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am
separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn't work.
To think that I know
what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of
love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I
know what's right for myself? That is my only business. Let me work with that
before I try to solve your problems for you.
If you understand the
three kinds of business enough to stay in your own business, it could free your
life in a way that you can't even imagine. The next time you're feeling stress
or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you're in mentally, and you may burst
out laughing! That question can bring you back to yourself. And you may come to
see that you've never really been present, that you've been mentally living in
other people's business all your life. Just to notice that you're in someone
else's business can bring you back to your own wonderful self.
And if you practice it
for a while, you may come to see that you don't have any business either and
that your life runs perfectly well on its own.
Meeting Your Thoughts with Understanding
A thought is harmless
unless we believe it. It is not our thoughts, but the attachment to our
thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that
it's true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we've been attaching
to, often for years.
Most people think that
they are what their thoughts tell them they are. One day I noticed that I wasn't
breathing -- I was being breathed. Then I also noticed, to my amazement, that I
wasn't thinking -- that I was actually being thought and that thinking isn't
personal. Do you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, "I think I
won't think today?" It's too late: You're already thinking! Thoughts just
appear. They come out of nothing and go back to nothing, like clouds moving
across the empty sky. They come to pass, not to stay. There is no harm in them
until we attach to them as if they were true.
No one has ever been able
to control his thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I
don't let go of my thoughts -- I meet them with understanding. Then they let go
of me.
Thoughts are like the
breeze or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They appear like
that, and through inquiry we can make friends with them. Would you argue with a
raindrop? Raindrops aren't personal, and neither are thoughts. Once a painful
concept is met with understanding, the next time it appears you may find it
interesting. What used to be the nightmare is now just interesting. The next
time it appears, you may find it funny. The next time, you may not even notice
it. This is the power of loving what is.
Putting the Mind on Paper
The first step in The
Work is to write down your judgments about any stressful situation in your life,
past, present, or future -- about a person you dislike or a situation with
someone who angers or frightens or saddens you. (Use a blank sheet of paper; or
you can go to www.thework.org to the
section called "Do The Work," where you'll find a Judge-Your-Neighbor
Worksheet to download and print).
For thousands of years,
we have been taught not to judge -- but let's face it, we still do it all the
time. The truth is that we all have judgments running in our heads. Through The
Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream
out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met
with unconditional love.
I encourage you to write
about someone whom you haven't yet totally forgiven. This is the most powerful
place to begin. Even if you've forgiven that person 99 percent, you aren't free
until your forgiveness is complete. The 1 percent you haven't forgiven them is
the very place where you're stuck in all your other relationships (including
your relationship with yourself). If you begin by pointing the finger of blame
outward, then the focus isn't on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored.
We're often quite sure about what other people need to do, how they should live,
whom they should be with. We have 20/20 vision about others, but not about
ourselves.
When you do The Work, you
see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to
see that everything outside you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are
the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected
image of your thoughts.
Since the beginning of
time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy.
This hasn't ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The
Work gives us is a way to change the projector -- mind -- rather than the
projected. It's like when there's a piece of lint on a projector's lens. We
think there's a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that
person, whomever the flaw appears to be on next. But it's futile to try to
change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the
lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in
paradise.
How to Write on the Worksheet
I invite you to be
judgmental, harsh, childish, and petty. Write with the spontaneity of a child
who is sad, angry, confused, or frightened. Don't try to be wise, spiritual, or
kind. This is the time to be totally honest and uncensored about how you feel.
Allow your feelings to express themselves, without any fear of consequences or
any threat of punishment.
On the next page, you'll
find an example of a completed Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. I have written
about my second husband,
Paul
, in this example (included here with his
permission); these are the kinds of thoughts that I used to have about him
before my life changed. As you read, you're invited to replace
Paul
's name with the appropriate name in your life.
1.
Who angers, disappoints, or confuses you, and why? What is it about them
that you don't like?
- I
am angry at
Paul
because he doesn't listen to me. I'm
angry at Paul because he doesn't appreciate me. I don't like Paul because
he argues with every thing I say.
2.
How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
a.
I want
Paul
to give me his full attention. I want
Paul
to love me completely. I want
Paul
to agree with me. I want
Paul
to get more exercise.
3.
What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What
advice could you offer?
a.
Paul
should/shouldn't watch so much television.
Paul
should stop smoking.
Paul
should tell me that he loves me. He shouldn't
ignore me.
4.
Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you
to be happy?
a.
I need
Paul
to listen to me. I need
Paul
to stop lying to me. I need
Paul
to share his feelings and be emotionally
available. I need
Paul
to be gentle and kind and patient.
5.
What do you think of them? Make a list.
a.
(Remember, be petty and
judgmental.)
Paul
is dishonest.
Paul
is reckless.
Paul
is childish. He thinks he doesn't have to
follow the rules.
Paul
is uncaring and unavailable.
Paul
is irresponsible.
6.
What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
a.
I don't ever want to live with
Paul
if he doesn't change. I don't ever want to
argue with
Paul
again. I don't ever want to be lied to by
Paul
again.
Your Turn: The Worksheet
Now you know enough to
try out The Work. First you'll put your thoughts on paper. Simply pick a person
or situation and write, using short, simple sentences. Remember to point the
finger of blame or judgment outward. You may write from your present position or
from your point of view as a five-year-old or twenty-five-year-old. Please do
not write about yourself yet.
1.
Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
What is it about them that you don't like? (Remember: Be harsh, childish, and
petty.) I don't like (I am angry at, or saddened, frightened, confused, etc.,
by) (name) because _______.
2.
How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want (name) to _______.
3.
What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice
could you offer? (Name) should (shouldn't) _______.
4.
Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you to be
happy? (Pretend it's your birthday and you can have anything you want. Go for
it!) I need (name) to _______.
5.
What do you think of them? Make a list.
(Don't be rational or kind.) (Name) is _______.
6.
What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't ever want _______.
Now Call
The next step is to set up a phone session so that you can see the power and
effectiveness of this work for yourself.
(480) 329-0306
Questions and Answers
I have a hard time
writing about others. Can I write about myself?
If you want to know
yourself, I suggest you write about someone else. Point The Work outward in the
beginning, and you may come to see that everything outside you is a direct
reflection of your thinking. It is all about you. Most of us have been pointing
our criticism and judgments at ourselves for years, and it hasn't solved
anything yet. Judging someone else, inquiring, and turning it around is the fast
path to understanding and self-realization.
How can you say that
reality is good? What about war, rape, poverty, violence, and child abuse? Are
you condoning them?
How could I condone them?
I simply notice that if I believe they shouldn't exist when they do exist, I
suffer. Can I just end the war in me? Can I stop raping myself and others with
my abusive thoughts and actions? If not, I'm continuing in myself the very thing
I want to end in the world. I start with ending my own suffering, my own war.
This is a life's work.
So what you're saying is
that I should just accept reality as it is and not argue with it. Is that right?
The Work doesn't say what
anyone should or shouldn't do. We simply ask, "What is the effect of
arguing with reality? How does it feel?" This Work explores the cause and
effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our
freedom. To simply say that we shouldn't argue with reality just adds another
story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn't ever worked.
Loving what is sounds
like never wanting anything. Isn't it more interesting to want things?
My experience is that I
do want something all the time: What I want is what is. It's not only
interesting, it's ecstatic! When I want what I have, thought and action aren't
separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking,
ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short
and doesn't require future.
Everything I need is always supplied, and I don't have to do anything for it.
There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.
What if I don't have a
problem with people? Can I write about things, like my body?
Yes. Do The Work on any
subject that is stressful. As you become familiar with the four questions and
the turnaround, you may choose subjects such as the body, disease, career, or
even God. Then experiment with using the term "my thinking" in place
of the subject when you do the turnarounds. Example: "My body should be
strong and healthy" becomes "My thinking should be strong and
healthy." Isn't that what you really want -- a balanced, healthy mind? Has
a sick body ever been a problem, or is it your thinking about the body that
causes the problem? Investigate. Let your doctor take care of your body as you
take care of your thinking. I have a friend who can't move his body, and he is
loving life. Freedom doesn't require a healthy body. Free your mind.
How can I learn to
forgive someone who hurt me very badly?
Judge your enemy, write
it down, ask four questions, turn it around. See for yourself that forgiveness
means discovering that what you thought happened didn't. Until you can see that
there's nothing to forgive, you haven't really forgiven. No one has ever hurt
anyone. No one has ever done anything terrible. There's nothing terrible except
your uninvestigated thoughts about what happened. So whenever you suffer:
Inquire, look at the thoughts you're thinking, and set yourself free. Be a
child. Start from the mind that knows nothing. Take your ignorance all the way
to freedom.
Is inquiry a process of
thinking? If not, what is it?
Inquiry appears to be a
process of thinking, but actually it's a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose
their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They're
not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts,
we learn to meet them with open arms.
